Consent, conshment

One thing I hate about America is the so-called "age of consent" laws. Depending upon the state, there are different rules for what particular age-coupling is legal and what will get you a one-way ticket into the slammer. And believe me, there's more than enough anal excitement at Seoul National University.

Of course, I have the Maryland laws memorized, along with those of New York, Delaware, New Hampshire, California, Puerto Rico ... well, pretty much every state. I have "ho's", as they say, in several area codes ... as well as ZIP codes and country codes.

So she was 14. Big deal! She was one year away from 15, and that's right before 16. So what if I'm 21. Subtract 3 and we're both underage, making it technically legal. Hell, I look like I'm still in middle school anyway. (So did she.)

She had pubic hair, and by Eminem standards that's fair game. Also fair game in my book: High school parties, chaperoned dates (as long as the mom is hot), and hitting on little girls at the zoo.

They're going to have to come to terms with sex at some point in their lives, so I might as well be the one to introduce them to it. Hell, I'm an expert. I could charge money for my services, but I'm giving them the privilege of access to my loins -- for free.

Just don't tell her parents, OK? They'll kill me.