Suave soldier

Come next fall, I am due to be conscripted in the Korean military. And I have what it takes.

I can make any bed to regulation standard in 20 seconds, flat. Starched or unstarched, soft or hard, bunk or single, queen or twin, I can handle it without a problem. I will diligently shine my shoes with the finest polish, using only fresh oilcloth. When I am asked to tremble on command, I will also do this to the utmost precision. While I do not condone the use of guns, I will handle mine with the requisite amount of hand cream in order to stave off excess sweating.

On the battlefield, I will keep my cool. To be precise, I will do this by looking cool. My hair, which I will not allow to be court-martialed by an army butcher, will remain in place even in the roughest combat situations. My uniform, neatly pressed, will be my constant, my guiding light, through all my suffering and angst.

I will also be an asset at base camp. In the kitchen, I will create the finest Korean dishes in order to keep our troops satisfied. I will demand the purest ingredients, the most genuine recipes, and a dedicated staff. I will also require the tables to be set with napkins, silverware, and wine glasses. If we resort to standard-issue dreck and chopsticks, why, Kim Jong-Il has already won. I will not let him steal our movie stars and our dignity.

We will prevail, one lentil at a time.